Humanizing Monsters

I'm reading a book called Radical by Maajid Nawaz. He grew up in the UK to a Pakistani family and became an Islamic Radical, but eventually came to disagree with the viewpoints he once embraced. He said one of the things he had to do in his journey back from a place of great hate was to learn to humanize everyone, even (especially?) those who dehumanize others. He describes how he went from celebrating 9/11 to mourning the London attacks in 2005.

As I read about what happened in Charleston, my reaction is to want to dehumanize the man who murdered 9 people in Emanuel AME Church.

He's a monster. Or a demon. Or something else that allows me to pretend that he's not a fellow human.

But that's not true.

He was born. He has a mother and a father. He eats. He drinks. He breathes. His heart beats.

He's human. And if I take the narrative of the bible to be true, he's a fellow child of God. Loved by God.

I want to be very clear: I'm not supporting or accepting of what he did.

As I read that he spent an hour sitting in a worship service with these people before murdering them, I can't fathom how after that time, he pulled out a gun and started shooting them.

I remember that at Columbine, in the original modern day mass shooting, crosses were erected for all the victims. Someone erected two smaller crosses for the shooters, which were angrily torn down. It's painful to recognize that someone who has caused so much harm may also deserve some measure of compassion.

We like to live in a binary, black and white world. Someone is 'good' or 'bad'. But life isn't so cut and dried. Someone can be guilty of terrible things and still deserve compassion.

The Colorado movie shooter suffered from mental illness. Instead of having to choose whether this affects his guilt or innocence as the legal system must do, can I not see it as a place where I should have compassion?

I'm not seeking to humanize the Charleston shooter because he deserves it or because I am ignoring what he did.

I'm seeking to humanize him because it's true.

It is also the only way we can hope to stem the tide of shootings at schools and malls and workplaces and houses of worship.

Because if these actions are the work of monsters and demons, I am powerless to stop them. I can only shake my head and feel sad that such beings cannot be stopped.

But if I'm dealing with humans, I can have hope. Hope that messages of love and acceptance and peace can be heard.

When I see an Islamic Radical come to the conclusion that 'an eye for an eye' simply doesn't work; and when I learn about the US Civil Rights movement through a film like Selma, I see clearly that only when we treat our adversaries as humans - no matter how flawed - can we hope to prevail in our cause.

In this case, the cause is that all humans are valuable. All people need dignity and acceptance.

That doesn't mean approval of all their actions, but that leads us into conflict resolution, which is not the point of this post.

So as you continue to hear about Charleston, mourn with those who mourn. These were also fellow humans who were killed.

I'm so saddened to hear of the death of my brothers and sisters in Christ. But I also have hope in a God of resurrection who says that He has the final word.

So in the meantime, I will hope that the shooter may get a glimpse of the loving God worshiped at Emanuel AME.

Because every human needs to know that God loves us, even as we must accept consequences for our actions.

Measuring Up

"So soon as he certainly has followers, he does not compare himself with his followers, towards whom he might appear as a master; he compares himself more and more with his Master, towards whom he appears only as a servant." That quote is about Francis of Assisi written by G.K. Chesterton.

As a leader, it's easy to start to derive your identity from what your team does or does not accomplish.

And if your team does a great job on a consistent basis, becoming arrogant is certainly a potential pitfall.

I get to lead some amazing people at my local church. People who volunteer their time and skill to help our local church make a difference in our local community and our world.

Staying humble when you work with amazing people can be hard (at least for me). Sometimes I get a bit arrogant. Sometimes I make the mistake of false humility, where I become too self deprecating.

Staying emotionally healthy and having a healthy self image is tough.

I love how Francis addressed this. The more other people wanted to follow him, the more he wanted to follow Jesus. If things were going great, it would be easy to pass that praise on to the Master he so closely followed.

If things were going rough, he has a mentor he can turn to rather than bearing the brunt all on his own.

His perspective and self worth would always be rooted to relationship that would not shift. Assisi would not be 'promoted' above Jesus at any point. Jesus would never fire him.

That's the solid ground on which to build our identity, not the shifting grounds of performance or results.

In order to have the best performance and results, one must have confidence. Jesus can give us that security and confidence.

Francis need not worry whether his followers abandon him, whether for valid reasons or not, because it would not change his identity as a follower himself.

To me, this is a brilliant perspective and one that every leaders - especially church leader - should keep in mind.

The End of the World (As We Know It)

If I were to ask you if things are going to get better or worse, what would you say? Perhaps you would ask me for some context, or at least a time frame.

One year from today, do you think your life will be better or worse?

What about 5 years? What about 30 years?

What if we think about more than your life. Will the world at large be better or worse off in a year? A hundred years? A Millenium?

I was in a discussion recently with some local community leaders and one of them made the observation that almost all movies/shows about the future have a negative outlook. Post apocalypse type stuff. The remake of Mad Max is currently on top of the box office as I write this post.

Shows like Last Man on Earth and the 100 are popular.

The theme is similar. In the future, things have gone terribly wrong (one way or another) and now human civilization lives in this Hobbsian reality where survival is the only real goal for people who are fighting to exist.

But here's the thing: there are other indicators that show we don't really believe that.

When a school or mall shooting occurs, we are still shocked and dismayed. If we believed that this world was inevitably heading for hell in a handbasket, we should simply shrug our shoulder and say, "Oh well. That's all we can expect."

Instead, we want answers on how to avoid these occurrences the next time. We turn to our political systems and seek answers and leadership. We want to make sure it will never happen again.

This is where I feel that we have cognitive dissonance.

We think that in the long term, things are going to go badly; but at the same time, we think in the short term, things can/should get better.

I believe we need to pick one or the other.

Either 'things can get better', or 'abandon hope all you who enter here'.

In the past, I think the church has taken the latter stance. The sales pitch has been, "This world is awful, but one day we'll get to heaven and it'll be okay". I'll Fly Away is a hymn that reflects this kind of escapism mentality. This world is the Titanic and my only goal should be to get off of it.

When I started to read N.T. Wright a number of years ago (specifically, Surprised by Hope), I discovered that I didn't need to choose the path of negative eschatology.

God is recreating this world. Revelation 21 points to a day that the heavens and earth are renewed and they exist in harmony with one another.

This tells us that what we do in this life makes a difference. It prepares the arrival of the kingdom. God is conducting train, and he has invited us to lay down the tracks for his arrival.

We can make things better now by praying the prayer in Matthew 6:10, "Your kingdom come, Your will be done" and then bringing our actions into line with our prayer.

And we know the end of the story. It is one of hope and redemption and renewal.

All the wrongs are set to rights.

No more tears or pain or death.

Now that's a future I can get behind. That's a future that lets me look at tragedy today and say, 'No. I will not stand idly by and allow this.'

That's a future which gives value to working for peace today.

If that's the end of the world as we know it, then I really can feel fine.

Justice: Freddie Gray and the City of Baltimore

I live in Baltimore County, just a few miles south of the city that is currently in the aftermath of the death of Freddie Gray, who died while he was in police custody a little over 2 weeks ago. Initially there were protests, but then some people have used what happened as an excuse for violence. The family of Freddie Gray has asked that the violence stop because it does not honor the man whom they loved.

It seems like we have seen this movie several times recently.

Violence leads to more violence.

Pleas for peace emanate from community and government leaders.

Most everyone just wants everything to go back to normal.

But normal means we go back to not being able to have a conversation when something goes wrong, like it did on April 12th.

We have been trained by political campaigns and cable news not to listen to one another, but rather to shout over one another.

When somebody attacks you, you must return it upon them ten fold.

The 'other side' is not just wrong, but also stupid and evil.

Respect, compassion and understanding are signs of weakness. If you're right, you should have the power of conviction that would make it impossible to demonstrate these traits.

Justice, we have been taught, is something you must demand, and if it is not offered, it must be taken.

But even if we are pure in our intentions to seek justice, we are wholly unable to achieve it.

Does that surprise you? What I just said? Let me explain why I believe that:

Jesus said "God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied." (Matthew 5:6)

Do you notice here that justice is not linked with our own action? The implication we get from Jesus is that God will give justice to those who have longed for it.

It does not say be "justice makers", as in verse 9 where Jesus tells us to be peace makers.

It says we should hunger and thirst for it.

Why is God alone able to provide justice? Very simply because we don't know what is just.

How should the police officers who handled Freddie Gray be responded to? Should they be be punished? Fired? Prosecuted? Imprisoned? What was in their hearts at the moment of the incident? We don't know.

And what of the police officers who have been injured by people who are looting and attempting to riot? If their actions were not just (and they certainly seem not to be), then what response should they receive? What does justice demand for them? We will again run into the problem of every person creating their own answer.

So what we end up with instead of justice is retribution.

We will demand punishment for those who have acted wrongly. Those who cry out that the punishment is too light, will say that the punishment is unjust.

If we give the harshest penalty possible, wouldn't those on the other end of the spectrum likewise scream that the punishment was unjustly harsh?

Both sides will appeal to justice for completely different results.

We cannot give justice. Only God can. And that is why he calls us to hunger and thirst for it.

What can we do in the meantime, while we are awaiting God to set all the wrongs to right, to restore this fallen and broken world?

I would suggest we look at verse 9 where Jesus gives us an action step. "God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God."

We can work for peace as we await justice.

Peacemaking, as we already saw why, is not simply getting things 'back to normal'.

Peacemaking is much, much more difficult. It will involve seeking to work on the issues that cause such outbreaks. Why does violence so often occur in our cities? Why is there an undercurrent of frustration that can lead to civil unrest?

This seems like a daunting task. Baltimore is a large city and I am but one person. How can I work for peace?

Perhaps your level of peace making starts with stopping. With not 'picking a side' and using your words on social media to bash the 'other side'.

Perhaps it can start with choosing to pray for everyone involved and not for the people who you prefer.

Perhaps after the unrest has settled, as it eventually will, it will start with reaching out to organizations or missions in areas where there is no peace to invest some time, energy and/or money into the process of peace.

Black lives matter and blue lives matter.

All lives matter to God, and they should matter to us as a result.

So let us hunger and thirst for justice. Let us trust that God will set the wrongs to right. In the meantime, let us work for peace.

_________________________

(If you are interested in reading some excellent material about this topic, I recommend No Future Without Forgiveness by Desmond Tutu, Evil and the Justice of God by N.T. Wright, and Exclusion and Embrace by Miroslav Volf)

Socrates and the Tough Mudder

There's an old story that goes something like this: A rich guy goes on a trip. Before he leaves, he calls his household employees together and gave them a task. Each of them got some money to manage for the boss while he was away.

- one got $3,000,000

- another got $1,200,000

- the third one got $600,000

The boss was gone for quite a while. When he came back, he called his three employees in to evaluate their performance.

The first guy had invested it well, and had been able to double the portfolio to 6 million bucks. The boss is thrilled, saying "Great job! My benefit will also be your benefit...I'm going to share the profits with you!"

The second guy also has good news - he doubled his portfolio as well. The boss tells him the same thing - that he's really pleased and that the employee is going to get a reward for his performance.

When the last guy speaks, it's quickly apparent that they didn't go 3 for 3.

The last guy tells his boss that he didn't do anything with his money. He was worried what would happen if he lost it, or if his boss would need access to it, so he put it in a checking account for the entire time. It didn't earn a dime.

The boss was furious with him.

"Are you kidding me!? You didn't even put it in a savings account or an IRA to earn some interest? If I can't even trust you with that, how can I trust you with anything I actually value?"

He was fired right in that meeting.

The story has multiple truths to explore. The obvious one is to do everything you can with what you have been given, but just below the surface of that is another truth: not everybody gets an equal starting point.

Both of the first two guys doubled their investment, but one of them started with a much bigger amount, so his results were magnified. The boss doesn't explain why one got more than another. It was the bosses prerogative to divide his investment however he wanted.

I went road biking with a friend the other day. I normally mountain bike, but I have a friend who road bikes and we agreed to each try the other style. I road biked with my friend, and he will mountain bike with me sometime later this summer.

When I was performing better than he expected, he complimented me and said that the running and mountain biking I do must have 'something to it'.

I told him about how I will be running a fourth Tough Mudder this year and how my current fitness goal is to complete a half full ironman triathlon next summer.

He had the same reaction that many people do when I talk about it, which is some combination of 'you're crazy' and 'why do you do this'?

My wife has asked me the same thing. Many friends and acquaintances have also asked this. I usually give an answer that goes something like this: I like to find my limits and push past them.

In the midst of the ride, though, something occurred to me. I told him the famous quote by Socrates: "The unexamined life is not worth living." I used to think this applied to philosophical introspection, but it dawned on me that was I applying this to my physical life.

I like to examine my limitations. So that I can push those limitations further out.

And I've done this not only in my physical life, but in my intellectual life as well. I finished a graduate degree and started teaching part time at local universities and colleges. I read books at a reasonable high rate on a wide variety of topics. I'm interested in entering a doctorate program in the next few years.

Spiritually, I threw myself into exploring the nature of God. To the point where I wanted to be involved in growing and strengthening the community of believers known as the Body of Christ. It led me to full time ministry.

I had an epiphany that I'm doing what Socrates said in pretty much every area of my life.

I think that I'm the second guy in that story from above (which you can read in Matthew 25:14-30 if you want the way Jesus told it).

I'm not the smartest guy I know, but I'm a professor. I'm not the fastest or strongest guy I know, but I've completed triathlons. I know better ministers, but I'm part of an amazing community of believers who I get to help lead.

The point I'm making is not that I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none, but rather that I simply wasn't given the 3 million dollars to start with, but that I think I'm doing everything possible with the one million I did get.

Others may have more than I do in their results, but I would bet that most of them started with more than I had to work with.

I think I have gotten pretty good returns on what I was given. And instead of getting frustrated that I didn't get more (with 3 more inches, my baseball career could have gone a lot further), I'm going to get every drop out of what I have to work with.

I didn't want to run races in my 20s because if I couldn't win, I didn't want to compete. I mistakenly thought I should compare myself to what others could do. I knew there would always be somebody faster than I am.

But when I learned to compete against myself, and against the clock, I realized that it was all about maximizing what God has given me.

I'll keep that in mind on June 13th in Virginia when I'm running through tear gas, electric wires and dumpsters full of ice water.

I do this because I want to get the highest rate of return possible out of every part of my life, so that my boss says 'Great job! I'm going to share my profits with you!"

35@35: Completion

So last year I had a goal to write 35 blog posts, using the 35 principles and guidelines for life that I have been gathering during my adult life. I didn't meet that goal. I got through 26, but my schedule just didn't allow me to finish. So, in an effort to follow through (at least to some degree) on that 2015 goal, I'm going to post the rest of my principles and guidelines. Here goes:

27. You improve what you measure.

If you want something to be 'better' in your life, then you need to figure out how to put some metrics around it so that you can determine growth. If I say 'I want to eat healthier', it's only going to happen if I have the ability to look at my performance and see whether there is growth. Am I eating more vegetables? Eating less cookie dough filled donuts? Reducing carbs/calories/fat? The first step to improvement is assessment.

28. My imperfection points to God’s greatness.

When I screw up, I tend to be pretty hard on myself. I am tempted to devalue my own self worth when I screw up. But God chooses to give me grace. So I try to do two things: accept God's grace, and thank Him for that grace. Because God is not threatened by my screw ups. And that just goes to demonstrate how wonderful and fatherly His love truly is.

29. Read a lot of books. You can never have to much outside perspective in your thinking process. When you stop learning, you stop growing.

I think that wisdom comes from having perspectives. We can each see through our own eyes, feel our own feelings, know our own desires, fears, hurts, passions, etc. Wisdom is understanding and appreciating those same things from the eyes of other people. Books are a great way to see through another person's eyes, and therefore to gain wisdom.

30. If you want your life to be different in five years, the question to ask yourself is "what am I doing today to make that happen"?

I knew a person once who wanted to be a professional musician. I asked her if she was taking voice lessons. No. I asked her if she was taking guitar lessons. No. I asked her if she was creating demos and sharing them online. No.

It dawned on me that she was simply hoping that one day, somebody would knock on her door and offer her a dream job, or that she would otherwise luck her way into that position. That's a terrible idea. If you want to work in a particular field in 5 years, I want to know what school you're enrolled in to take classes toward that field. If you want to be a mile away from your current life next year, I want to see the footsteps you took today. Wishing you were at a destination is pointless. Taking steps, even small ones, will move you closer and eventually get you there.

31. In your 20s, try anything and everything you think you might be interested in.

I see many young people going to college right out of high school and joining the workforce right out of that in the field where they got a degree. It's like a race to get in so you can start working your way up. But what if you figure out 10 or 20 years later that you hate what you're doing? That's why people have a mid life crisis. I think that in your 20s, you should travel, try different jobs, have as many experiences as you can. How can you know what you love until you start to discover things that you don't love.

I discovered that money was a much less powerful motivator for me that it was for others. I learned my passions and engaged with them fully and now I work at places where I love showing up each day. I may have seemed like a late bloomer, having not started college until several years after high school, but when I decided my course, I engaged it full steam. Take a moment to aim before you fire. That moment is your 20s.

32. You get what you pay for. (aka: I hate running, but I hate being out of shape even more.)

Pretty self explanatory. If you want something better than what you have, it will cost something. As Jesus said, count the cost. For me that cost is regular exercise, specifically running. I hate it, but if I don't pay that price, I won't get what I want.

33. There is no success or failure, there is only obedience.

Most of my principles are acquired (stolen) from other people of materials. This one particularly so. When my wife and I were in the process of purchasing a business (that would eventually fail), a friend at our church said this to us. It sounded a bit prophetic to me, and I didn't like it one bit because I intended to succeed. After everything came crashing down, I recalled this. It gave me hope, because I believed we had obeyed what we believed God had guided us to do. I don't have to accept the result as being my identity, and I can move forward without feeling like a total failure.

34. The path you take in life makes you who you are. Shortcuts aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

Related to my theory about trying anything you want in your 20s, the point in life is not the same as Youtube commenters yelling 'FIRST!'. Being first is overrated. First into a career. First to own a new expensive gadget.

My wife and I both settled on a long term career in our 30s. Part of us wants to kick ourselves for 'losing' 10 years we could have been investing in these fields, but I don't regret it.

We're very different from somebody fresh out of college learning a job. We bring experience and broader perspective with us. Here's how I think of it: Everybody set out for a particular campsite called 'life'. My wife and I took a long and winding path through the forest while most others took the paved footbath. We arrived much later than those who used the footpath, but we also have way better stories about things we saw in the forest, experiences we made it through, and the ability to navigate the forest again if the campsite has to be evacuated.

I know this is basically the plot of the Adam Sandler movie Click, but life is made up of the experiences you have along the way. Shortcuts usually have less experiences.

(Yes, I'm aware that this whole post is basically a short cut. Thank you for not pointing out my inconsistency :)

35. Think for yourself, but not only of yourself.

As somebody who highly values both faith and intellectual development, I have learned that both of those two area have strengths, and that they are not mutually exclusive.

Intellectual development helps me not to be subject to manipulation of others. I decide the things I believe. I don't just go along with people.

But faith has taught me the value of community. That allowing myself to be reliant on others isn't a sign of weakness. It allows me to gain more value out of life as I love and am loved. As I know and am known.

I work hard to never outsource my thinking to others, but I seek to invest in others and allow others to invest in me knowing that I can never reach my upper limits without others to help me get there.

Have a great 2015!

___________________________

35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

Retelling Christmas: A Story of Joy

This past Sunday, I got to speak about the joy we find in the Christmas narrative. Pretty much everybody who discovered what God's plan is - and that they get to be involved in it - are filled with joy. You know what? I don't like ending a sentence with the word 'joy' and a period.

Joy needs to have an exclamation point after it.

Joy!

JOY!

That's better. Okay, back to the blog post:

But it's not just at Christmas that people discover JOY! regarding God's plans:

Matthew records a story on Easter Sunday (I know, I know, now talking about Easter at Christmas. I shouldn’t do that...)

Anyways, Matthew tells us about some women heading to Jesus’ tomb on what would become known as Easter Sunday. When they arrive, they find an angel has rolled away the stone and the angel shares with them the news that Jesus has risen.

Here's what happens next:

Matt 28:8 “The women ran quickly from the tomb. They were very frightened but also filled with great JOY!, and they rushed to give the disciples the angel’s message.” (emphasis mine)

These women discovered something God was doing, and it filled them with JOY! These women got to be the first people to share the Gospel.

(Just quick side note here. If you're a woman and you feel that God is calling you to ministry, what more authority do you need than the fact that God chose women to be the very first messengers of the Gospel of Jesus Christ? God's gifts are not separated by gender. That's my riff on that.)

The bottom line is that if you want JOY! in your life, find out what God is up to and get involved.

This doesn't mean you won't have difficult time and circumstances arise. But if we remember that God is all about renewing and restoring all of creation and we get to be a part of that, there's a JOY! at the core of that which no circumstance or situation can ever fully smother.

So share the message of JOY! that the God who made us and knows all about us loves us and wants to have a relationship with us, because this is not something we're supposed to hold onto and hoard. God was pleased to share this JOY! with us, now we should go forth and share it with others.

Put other people first by volunteering.

Do something randomly nice like paying for the check of a family at a restaurant without them knowing

Give a Christmas present to somebody totally not expecting one from you (and tell them not to go get you one, but give something to charity if they feel a need to reciprocate).

Tell stories of JOY! in your life this Christmas in honor of the God who shouted it to us through his own son Jesus!

A Weird Way to Save the World

And this is one of the most crucial definitions for the whole of Christianity; that the opposite of sin is not virtue but faith. ― Søren Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death

That the opposite of sin isn't doing good or being good; rather it’s trusting Jesus.

That’s a weird idea.

That when I screw up and do something that’s selfish and hurtful, it doesn’t mean that I need to make myself into a better person; but that I am a person who is in need of a Saviour.

Jesus saves us from all our selfish, destructive ways not by glaring at us and threatening us with what will happen if we don’t start to get our stuff together.

Instead, it seems like he’s always trying to lead us on paths that lead to life rather than paths that end up in us getting the same, normal results everybody else gets in life.

Instead of saying “stop doing that or else”, it seems like Jesus says “stop doing that, because I’ve got a better way”.

Jesus shows us this narrow path by the way he lived his own life. He was the Son of God, yet he didn’t show up demanding to be treated like a king.

There’s a great story in the book written by one of Jesus’ closest followers, John that highlights this:

“Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything and that he had come from God and would return to God. So he got up from the table, took off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist, and poured water into a basin. Then he began to wash the disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel he had around him.” (John 13:3-5)

Jesus knew he had been given authority over everything, and yet here he is, washing the dirty feet of a group of men, one of which was going to betray Jesus.

He didn’t use that authority to dominate or control or bully. He knew he had it, and he chose to serve. That’s definitely weird.

At the end of that story, Jesus tells his disciples “I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.” (v. 15)

Jesus saved me.

From my sin.

From a life of anger and hopelessness

And ultimately, from death itself.

He saved me by serving and sacrificing. That’s a weird way to save the world, and I’ll never be able to adequately express my gratitude for it.

But I want my life to be a response to his great love.

So I will worship God with my heart as I sing of his great love.

I will worship God with my mind as I think of the things he has done.

I will worship God with my soul as I invite God into the center of all that I am.

And I will worship God with my strength as I go out into my community and my world and share his great love through my actions.

Because if Jesus can bring salvation through serving and sacrifice, then I know I can point to that salvation through doing the same things.

35@35 #26: Hype vs Depth

TC's guidelines and principles of life #26: "Motivation fades. Inspiration lasts." When I was getting my undergraduate degree from Christ for the Nations Bible College in Dallas, TX, I had to take a course called Evangelism.

The whole point of this course was learning how to convert people to Christianity.

For the final exam, I had to memorize a script, go into a neighborhood with several other classmates, and use this script to get people to accept Jesus into their lives.

I hated this whole concept. I felt that we had turned following Jesus into a cheap parlor trick of some kind. I decided to stay disengaged from this transactional approach to expanding God's kingdom.

I didn't know it at the time, but I believed that if you remove relationships with people out of the evangelism, it can quickly become very toxic. A game based solely on numbers rather than the relationships Jesus calls us to create as we 'make disciples'.

Because God is funny, the teacher of this class -out of dozens of teams - chose to embed herself into my group. So much for disengaging. I was going to have to stay involved in this exercise if I wanted to pass this class.

We walked through the streets of a particular neighborhood and met several people outside. Each time, one of us would go into the sales pitch we had been required to memorize.

Everybody we talked to prayed a prayer of salvation with us.

As we headed to the rally point, the other members of my team were celebrating the results of the day.

I felt no such joy.

I worried that we had turned God into a magic password.

Say Jesus and you get to go to heaven.

I have been to rallies designed to convince teenagers to give their lives to Christ at the end of amazing music, lights, and speaker.

I wonder what will happen to these kids when they return to their lives outside of that weekend.

I am a follower of Jesus. Not because somebody convinced me that the carrot of heaven is worth running after. Not because of a rally with great production values. Not because I just believe what my parents believe (I don't).

I am a follower of Jesus because I have caught a glimpse that the God who made everything in the universe also made me. He knows everything I have ever done, said or thought, yet loves me anyways.

Instead of being motivated to avoid hell, or shame, or being left out when everybody else is giving their life to Jesus at a rally, I have been inspired by the new, richer life that Jesus offers to me.

I don't follow Jesus out of fear or for a reward. I follow Jesus out of love and gratitude.

Hype, motivation - you can use these to get somebody to do something for a short period of time. Either you have to keep hyping and motivating them, or they'll fade away. Hype is like fireworks: beautiful and captivating, but quickly faded and forgotten.

Depth, inspiration - these things will last. These things change our lives. These are the impacts that Jesus had in the lives of those who encountered him. Inspiration is like the sun, constantly shining, giving us the ability rely on it day after day.

That is why he asks us to make disciples, not converts.

Fireworks light up the sky, and everybody enjoys them; but the Sun, with it's steady, constant glow gives life to all beneath it.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #25: Work Smarter

TC's guidelines and principles of life #25: "If you’re not entirely sure what you’re doing, watch a Youtube demo video first." This one is one of my very practical lessons in life.

I'm not the kind of person who does a lot of 'instruction reading'. I'd rather try to figure it out on my own if possible. I'll also spend the time walking around a store to find what I want instead of just asking an employee.

I don't know why. It's one of my quirks. I'm stubborn.

However, I am also not mechanically inclined.

So when I had to fix my dryer about a year ago, this was a bad combination. Fortunately, I have discovered that pretty much every problem I ever encounter in life has a youtube instructional video.

Fixing the dryer? Check.

Building my son's new toy car? Check.

Putting together that new piece of Ikea furniture? Check.

So anytime I have to do something that involves assembly, I try to make sure I watch the Youtube video as soon as I get stuck, because otherwise, I will probably find out later on that I have to do some disassembly to fix what I've just done wrong.

You have the greatest compilation of human knowledge in the span of history at your fingertips, don't forget that.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #24: Anger

TC's guidelines and principles of life #24: "When you get angry, your IQ decreases by about 75%." I am a reasonably intelligent human being. And I strive to follow the healthy, helpful advice that Jesus gives me through the books his disciples wrote about him and what he said.

Jesus especially emphasized two things that he says I should do: Love God with all my being and love my neighbors as myself. I'm a bit of an introvert, and I was an only child, so I'm still learning to be good at the 'loving my neighbor' part.

I'm actually reading a book right now called 'The Art of Neighboring' that is challenging me and I'm already taking steps to better get to know the people who physically live closest to me.

But sometimes I get angry. And I've noticed something: that when I get angry, I stop caring about the things Jesus said.

I don't want to learn about why somebody else took a particular action.

I don't want to learn their story so I can value them more.

Usually, I just want to take the bad feeling inside me and shove it on top of somebody else.

So I argue or I yell or I just kind of act like a jerk.

I was at a gas station the other day when one guy started yelling and cussing at another guy because he didn't like where the other guy pulled up to the gas pump.

It made the guy who was yelling and cussing look pretty bad. He was being selfish and pretty unreasonable.

I wasn't angry, so I could see how ridiculous he was being. But I bet he didn't think he was acting foolishly. Because his IQ was down about 75% at the time.

When I get angry, I think 'not angry me' would look at me and think many of the same things. 'What's that guys problem? Doesn't he realize how bad he looks when he is doing that?'

In Ephesians 4:26, Paul relays a quote: "don't sin by letting anger control you." Later he says that anger gives the devil a foothold in our lives.

So when I'm angry, I try to shut up until I get over myself. Usually I try to remember to pray in those moments, knowing that God is able to help me deal with emotions that seem to be out of my control sometimes.

When I've got my wits about me, I can usually handle situations that come my way. So I try not to let anger steal those wits.

Another product of my personality is that I fear rejection. One of the temptations for me is to respond to rejection (or even perceived rejection) is to use anger as a shield.

It's pretty unhealthy, I know. That's why I do my best not to allow it to happen. Being willing to stay vulnerable in the face of rejection is not my favorite thing to do.

That's why I pray. Because, without God's help, it will be impossible for me.

So next time you get angry, remember that you're not just angry: you're angry and stupid. And when you're angry and stupid, it's probably best not to so something that smart, calm you will look at and say 'what's his/her problem?'

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #23: Criticism

TC's guidelines and principles of life #23: "When you criticize, you may be getting in the way of the Holy Spirit working in that person." As a pastor, I am never critical of any human being on the planet. Ever.

...but I know a guy named "CT" who can totally be critical of people. All the time. He's a terrible person.

See, what CT does (the terrible guy, totally not me) is he thinks he has the right to tell people the right and wrong way to do stuff.

What he keeps forgetting a couple things.

Here's what he forgets:

1. We can only keep people accountable to the level of relationship with them.

If I don't know you, I can't care about you more than just a general 'I love you as a person' or 'I love you as a fellow believer in Christ' kind of way. Until you know that I care about you as a person, you have no idea whether I have your best interest at heart when I start doling out 'advice'.

And CT has no idea what would help you grow closer to Jesus without having a relationship with you. Trying to keep people accountable cannot outstrip your personal relationship, because that's just being controlling, in a blind and ignorant way.

2. We can't keep somebody accountable without knowing their story.

What right do I...I mean does CT have to tell somebody what they should do if he doesn't even know their story? C.S. Lewis, in Mere Christianity, talks about how foolish it is to judge people on the same set of rules. He talks about the principle that for me not to get high on heroin is not overly commendable, because I don't any kind of addiction or attraction toward that drug. But for somebody who spent years of their life getting high off it, not getting high is a huge deal, and God must be incredibly proud of them for their willingness to fight such a huge battle. Or if they got high once this week instead of 4 times, that would be awesome. Yet CT, in his foolishness, may think he has a right to say 'tsk, tsk' to the person who got high once instead of four times.

So when I start telling somebody what they should and shouldn't do without knowing their life story, I'm doing it out of a place of ignorance and uncaring. God interacts with us out of full knowledge and full love.

I want to be crazy enough to love people, and believe that the Holy Spirit can show people what God wants for them.

Jesus didn't generally around scolding or threatening people whose lives were a mess. He basically showed them what they were missing out on and invited them to stop missing out on it.

Do you know how many times Peter screwed up? And yet, at the end, Jesus is calling Peter to spread God's good news and care for his followers.

If Jesus is more interested in restoring and giving grace to Peter, maybe I should look for opportunities to do the same.

Even Paul, who can have a hard edge to his leadership at times says in Galatians 6:1 "if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path."

If we're to be gentle and humble with believers, who should know better, how loving should we be for those who have not even committed to following Jesus yet?

At no point should we fail to speak the truth in love, but speaking the truth without love (which is what criticism is) is perhaps worse still that just staying quiet.

So I'm going to go back to CT and gently and humbly suggest that we point people to Jesus without presuming to know what everybody else should do in every situation.

I hope he listens, but I guess I'll just have to trust that the Holy Spirit can work in his life.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #22: Standards

TC's guidelines and principles of life #22: "You get what you tolerate." A couple weeks ago, I read 'Boundaries for Leaders' by Henry Cloud. He said that leaders get what they build or what they allow.

It reminded me of how Walter Isaacson portrayed Steve Jobs in the eponymous biography he wrote of Jobs: that Jobs was ruthless about saying no to projects which were not in the framework of what he wanted to accomplish.

Isaacson spoke of how, when Jobs returned to Apple following his exile, he listened to a meeting where multiple projects were described to him before he cut everyone off and told them that, from that moment forward, Apple only made 4 products: Pro desktop, Consumer desktop, Pro laptop, and Consumer laptop.

Steve said no to anything else until they added mobile devices (iPod, iPhone, iPad) later on.

Apple made 4 devices, and they made them better than anyone else (I'm not an apple fanboy, and I say this point is not really up for debate).

Steve would not tolerate anything less than excellent, and he would not tolerate unnecessary competition between the teams at Apple. Everyone worked for the same goal.

Coach Mike Krzyzewski spoke at an event a couple years ago about how he leads multi millionaire superstar basketball players when he coaches the olympic team. He said he doesn't give them rules to follow.

Instead, he gathers them together and asks them, together, to create the standards that he will hold the team to.

His job was not to tolerate anything less than the standards the players give. An example he included was that they would never have a bad practice.

Calling a team, or organization, or even ourselves to our highest ability is hard. We naturally seek the path of least resistance.

Only if we make the choice not to tolerate such things are we able to accomplish our highest aims.

What we say 'no' to is equally important to the things we say 'yes' to.

And we should probably say 'no' more often than we say 'yes' if we are to have the life, team or group we want.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #21: Mistakes

TC's Guidelines and Principles of life #21: "If we’re not careful, we can become very good at doing the wrong things." I actually got this one from a TED talk at TEDxBaltimore in 2014.

The now former director of the Baltimore department of social services talked about how she came into the department with an eye towards improving all their metrics: adoption rate, response time to complaints, etc.

She led the department to huge improvements in all these areas. And the crowd clapped their approval to her.

But after these improvements, she said she started to ask herself a question: were they doing what was best for these kids and their families?

Wasn't it better to find ways to prevent families from getting to the place where kids are being removed from homes and given to other families?

Instead of being great at getting kids out and breaking families up, shouldn't they find ways to keep kids in and help families get healthy?

Nobody applauded as they realized she was completely right.

This story was a haunting tale for me. If you give me metrics and goals, I will work, innovate and lead toward those metrics and goals.

But what if I get there and discover they were the wrong goals all along?

So I spend a lot of time these days looking for multiple perspectives in any area where I am looking to make progress.

Simon Sinek's Start with Why TED talk has been helpful to me in this.

If I start with what I'm going to do, I can fill a sheet up before I even start thinking about whether those things will truly get me or my group to the place we want/need to be.

For me, this leadership application starts with the basic leadership we all engage in: leading ourselves.

Instead of asking 'what I should be doing in life' so that we can determine 'how we will do it', we've got to ask 'why will my life matter?'

If we applied this to a practical action, I would compare it to a painter.

Before deciding what tools, canvas and colors to use, the painter must know what he or she is painting.

Before deciding what s/he is painting, they must ascertain the purpose of the painting.

Is it going to hang in a museum or a corporate office? Is it supposed to inspire or intimidate?

Only once these essential facts are known can the artist pick up a tool and start to "get to work" without fear that they will finish the work and be horrified to learn that it was the wrong painting all along.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #20: What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

TC's guidelines and principles for life #20: "Arguing never creates unity; but dialogue can." A couple nights ago, I took my two daughters camping. When we arrived at Assateague Island to camp on the beach with the wild ponies, we were greeted by gale force winds and buckets of rain coming down. The wind whipped pieces of sand that felt like we were being shot with tiny bbs all over.

We moved to another campsite with a bit more protection from the wind (that is, it had a few small brushes taking the edge off) and there was a bit of grass to keep the sand from blowing free at our tender flesh.

My oldest daughter wrapped herself in a blanket to gain some protection from the environment, then threw up as she come off the adrenaline rush of our initial setup attempt and were making a second go of it.

Wanting to give my daughters 'an adventure', I insisted we stick it out. I spent the next hour getting our tent set up. If the boy scouts have a merit badge for setting up a tent in adverse conditions, I demand that they send me one. I earned it.

After going to bed, the wind and rain picked up even more. Around 12:30, I woke up as a pole in the tent was intermittently striking me in the face because the tent was so waterlogged, it was losing its form. There was also a puddle growing in the other room of the tent because a small lake was forming under that part of our tent.

After 15 minutes, I made the call to pack in the camping trip and head home. We waiting for a break in the deluge, and I took my girls back to our truck, then returned to our pitch black campsite with a flashlight to pack up the tent.

On the drive home, I stopped at a gas station at 2am in order to get fill the tank, and decided to take my kids in to get some snacks to make up for our misfortune.

The attendant was a nice guy who had sleeve tats going down both arms.

As we were leaving, I told my oldest daughter that he probably thought I was a terrible Dad for taking my kids to a gas station at 2am in the morning on a weekday.

She looked at me and said 'Yeah, but he doesn't know what we just went through'.

I smiled widely at her and told her that she was absolutely right, and that we should keep this in mind next time we see somebody doing something that seems crazy or foolish.

Communication is so important.

We hear that a lot.

A good marriage requires communication.

Businesses engage in marketing so that they can effectively communicate with their customers and potential customers.

Teams must communicate effectively with one another.

Militaries need lines of communication even in battle.

One of the great values of communication is this: when we don't know the real story, we start to make up our own.

If the man at the gas station knew our story, he would probably have compassion rather than possibly thinking I'm a very irresponsible parent (though my wife says that the camping trip may go to prove that point, but I digress).

If we get to a place where we are telling people what they should think or say or do (arguing), chances are that we're not going to have much impact on them. But if we listen to their story, asking questions, and have dialogue, we may be able to inspire, encourage, and perhaps lend a hand in areas where it would be welcome.

Arguing, in my opinion, is a fairly selfish thing to do. It's all about us getting a chance to tell others how we feel.

Listening, creating dialogue is generous. It takes time, effort and vulnerability on our part. In our modern digital age, we have to be intentional about it, because we all know how fast Facebook comments can become argumentative.

One of the values we hold to at the church where I have the privilege of serving is that everyone should share their story.

Maybe the best thing we can do when we discover a place of disagreement with somebody is to say "Tell me your story."

Because only when we know another person's story will we be able to value them as a person and not just as an opposing opinion that must be defeated.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #19: Crockpots and Microwaves

TC’s Principles and Guidelines for Life #19: “God works more like a crockpot than a microwave.” I actually wrote a blog post on this one several years ago, and it became one of my own personal proverbs out of that process.

The bottom line is that we live in a day, age and society that often wants all of the rewards and none of the hard work.

If you want proof, just watch commercials on late night or mid-day TV.

We want to lose weight, so we want to buy a pill that will make it happen automatically, because dieting sucks.

We want money, so we need to hire a lawyer and take somebody else's money.

We want a more organized closet so instead of cleaning it out, we should buy vacuum sealing bags so we can fit more stuff in. Seriously.

I decided recently that I needed to eat a bit healthier. Eating healthier always seems like a good idea until the moment I have to put carrots into my shopping cart instead of potato chips.

Because it isn't easy. It takes work. I want to be healthy, but still eat all the junk food I want.

I think we can often treat our journey of faith, or just life in general this way.

We want all the benefits, and none of the hard work.

Maybe Jesus totally understands this, and that's why he said "If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine." (Luke 10:38)

God isn't fairy dust or magic potion or a get rich quick scheme.

A life of following Jesus is going to be an always developing journey. He won't 'fix' us when we open our heart to him. Instead, he will come in and live with us.

We don't become a ventriloquist puppet for God. We open ourselves to the maker of the universe who makes us spiritually alive, then he helps us to spread that life through the rest of who we are.

But he doesn't force it to happen. And he won't snap his fingers and remove the selfish urges and desires that live within us.

Over time, he'll work with us and in us to create a masterpiece. Adding spices here, stirring the pot there, putting in new ingredients when the time is right, letting heat and time do their work.

If we want to be fully and masterfully prepared, we must keep in mind that he is a patient chef. He uses ways that create richness, not salty, overheated garbage. God loves us too much to treat us that way.

But will we allow him to finish his work? That's the question we all have to face, especially when the process seems to be stretching out for an eternity.

Just because the chef doesn't seem to be constantly working on the dish in the crockpot doesn't mean he's making any mistakes.

Our job is simply to cooperate as much as possible, and not to give up.

Patience, after all, is one of the things he wants to instill in us.

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! (Galatians 5:22-23, emphasis mine)

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #18: Community

TC's Guidelines and Principles for Life #18: "There’s no such thing as the Christian Lone Ranger. You can't do it alone." I am a bit of a strange person. My personality (if you're familiar with the DiSC personality model) is primarily an I. That's the creative, outgoing, persuasive talking personality. The fun loving collaborator.

Yet I'm also an introvert. Not in the sense that I don't like being around people. Just that being around people uses my energy rather than charges me up. So when I'm around a bunch of people, I enjoy myself, but then I need to have some alone time afterwards to decompress.

It is easy for me to casual interactions in the crowd, and it is easy for me to withdraw and be alone.

What I have to put effort into is building real relationships with people.

This doesn't come naturally to me.

Year ago, I noticed this about myself, and I realized that I needed to do something about it. So I looked around my life and identified the person who I thought I could most likely create a deeper friendship with.

I needed somebody who was trustworthy, pragmatic, laid back and genuine. I asked him to join me for a coffee and I outlined what I wanted to do: form a friendship where we could help each other grow closer to Jesus.

Our friendship grew as we met every other week and just talked about life.

I would not be the husband, father, Christian or person I am today without that ongoing friendship.

The bottom line is that we need other perspectives in our lives. When things are going terribly, somebody who can give you a perspective of hope is so critically important. When things are going great, somebody who can ask you challenging questions keeps you grounded.

Books are a great way to gain other perspectives. Art, movies, they can also do this for you. But a person who knows all about you and where you're at is worth their weight in gold.

Trying to lead a life, especially one rooted in faith, is impossible without that. We become myopic, only able to see what is directly in front of us, never seeing the things that are around and behind.

Find people or groups of people who you can trust with the keys to your life. Invite them in so that they can give you other viewpoints which will help you as you move through life. And, of course, be willing to provide this to them.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #17: Devotion

TC's Guidelines and Principles for Life #17: "God doesn’t call us to a life of balanced devotion. He calls us to radical devotion." Aristotle tells us that in seeking virtue, we should avoid both excess and deficiency. For example: courage is good, but foolhardiness (excess) and cowardice (deficiency) are not.

I think, in general, there is value in heeding Aristotle's call. However, when it comes to our relationship with God, the thrust I see across the narratives of the books included in the Bible do not paint, to me, a picture of God wanting a balanced relationship with us.

Rather, I see a God who passionately and relentlessly pursues the people whom he loves.

In the Gospels, in the letters written by Paul, and in the book of Revelation, the imagery of a Bride and Groom are used to provide a picture of the church and Christ himself.

This is not some casual relationship that God calls us into. It is one that calls for utter abandon of our former way of life for one that is focused primary on him.

If you get married and try to work your spouse into the areas of your life where you happen to have room for him or her, your marriage is not going to go well.

You have to be willing to bulldoze large sections of your schedule, your living spaces, your habits, your desires and preferences, etc.

How much more for a relationship with God himself, who connects with us on a level far deeper than what is possible between those of us who are living in this world?

Jesus hints at this concept when he shocks us in Luke 14:26 with these words:

"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison--your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple."

Wow. Hating my father and mother, wife and children, even life itself in comparison to how I love God?

That's not balanced. That's pretty excessive. To the point of being possible crazy.

Here's why I submit that violating the Golden Mean in this case makes perfect sense: because this isn't one sided on our part. We're not giving utter and complete devotion and then being let down.

Rather, we're responding to the unbalanced devotion that God has already shown us. He sent his son to die for us before we deserved it. Heck, we never would have deserved it.

God showed 'unbalanced' compassion and love and mercy and forgiveness long before we did. It is in responding to this with 'excessive' devotion that we can actually start to grasp, and receive and appreciate the relationship God has extended to us.

Our relationship with God has no Golden Mean. We can never match what he has done. We can only respond. As he has given his best, the only response that makes sense if for us to do the same.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #16: Consequences

TC’s Principles and Guidelines for Life #16: “Bad choices do not lead to good places.” One thing I don't see Jesus doing in the writings of his followers is trying to force people to make better choices in life.

For instance, there's the guy who Matthew tells us about in his writings. He gets the title of 'Rich Young Ruler' in most instances.

And Richie (I'm going to go ahead and give him that nickname) asks Jesus what he has to do to have eternal life. After a short conversation, Richie decides he values his possessions more than his relationship with God.

You know what? I'll let Matthew tell his own story:

Now someone came up to him [Jesus] and said, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to gain eternal life?” He said to him, “Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.” “Which ones?” he asked. Jesus replied, “Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.” The young man said to him, “I have wholeheartedly obeyed all these laws. What do I still lack?” Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect, go sell your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” But when the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he was very rich. (Matthew 19:16-22)

Notice what Jesus does here: lets him walk away.

Doesn't run after him. Doesn't try to sugar coat some issues that Richie needs to deal with. Doesn't lower his standards to accommodate this dude. He lets him walk.

See, one of Jesus' later followers tells us that "...a person will reap what he sows..." (Galatians 6:7)

In other words, if I plant corn seed, later on I'm going to be eating corn. And if I live selfishly, I'm going to get the results of a selfish life down the road.

This is true whether or not you're a follower of Jesus.

If following Jesus meant that I could avoid the consequences for my dumb, selfish actions, I bet everybody would follow Jesus.

It doesn't. If I, as a follower of Jesus, make bad choices, I'm going to have to deal with the consequences.

God will forgive me when I ask for forgiveness, but he's usually going to leave the consequences for me to deal with.

This doesn't even have to involve sin.

My wife and I bought a business several years ago. We didn't do enough research on what we needed to know. When that business failed, it left us with a lot of financial burden. We're still dealing with it today.

God didn't give me a winning lottery ticket. I didn't get a call one day that my debt had been paid in full.

We ran a business unsuccessfully, and we have to deal with the consequences.

That was an inexperienced, unwise choice.

When we make truly bad choices - why should it be any different?

Consequences help us learn.

So if you are in a situation where you are constantly dealing with difficult circumstances, start planting different crops.

Plant grace and mercy and forgiveness instead of anger, frustration or resentment.

And then be patient. What kind of foolish farmer would plant seed on Monday, then give up on his crop that Wednesday?

We sow what we reap, and bad choices lead to bad places.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.

35@35 #15: Arguing

TC's Rules and Principles for Life #15: "Never argue with people who aren't listening." You ever get into an argument with somebody who just refuses to see any logic or reasoning whatsoever?

You get increasingly frustrated, annoyed and angry and then you leave in a huff having a terrible mood.

I'm going to help you stop losing those arguments. You ready? Here you go: stop having them.

Seriously. Have you ever resolved anything by getting loud or belligerent, or harsher?

Here's what you're doing - harming a relationship in the hopes of being told you're right.

But guess what you hate doing for somebody who you don't have a good relationship with? Admitting they're right.

So you're creating an impossible situation. "I'm making you angry, now admit I'm right!"

If you find yourself in this situation, the best thing to do is stop arguing. And then stop getting into arguments.

Conversations? Discussions? Great. But not arguments.

If there's somebody in your life with whom you cannot converse without it becoming an argument, then stop getting into conversations until you have fixed the underlying relationship problem.

Here's how the Bible says it in Proverbs 26:4: "Don't answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are."

You will not change another person through arguing. You might change them through love and mercy and grace and acceptance.

I often relay the quote from Martin Luther King Jr: "Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that."

When people stop shouting at one another, it creates space for relationship to form, and genuine relationship fixes a lot of problems.

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35@35 is a blog series by Thomas Christianson which involves 35 blog posts in 2014 on 35 things he has learned at the age of 35.